Next!
by Franchise
Summary: Wanted Immediately: Three individuals to serve as division captains for Soul Society. Must be smart, powerful and have some level of actual competence.


- Thud -

A simple looking wooden staff slammed into the floor. The noise of it echoed off the walls of the large room causing everyone there to hear it. Instantly, the several different conversations ceased and nine people turned forward. Their eyes gazed forward staring at the aged and hardened bearded face of Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai.

"I officially bring this captain's meeting of the Gotei 13 to order. These have been turbulent times and much has happened. Would someone like to give an overview of recent events?"

Silence followed from the other captains until a certain psychotic looking one eyed shinigami decided to speak up.

"Meh. The four eyed nerd faked his death and killed all those namby pamby council people and then he showed up and snatched some piece of shit out of the weak runt girl and ran off with the freaky smile and Mr. justice to go play with Hollows with all of you being to stupid to realize anything" Kenpachi Zaraki said.

Everyone just looked over at the 11th division captain with the exception of Byakuya who was glaring due to the runt girl comment.

"Well put Zaraki" Yamamoto muttered.

"Can I go now?"

"No"

Yamamoto ignored Zaraki's cursing and continued on. "This is a serious tragedy not just for the lives lost but also for the impact it has on us in general."

Hitsugaya nodded in agreement. "With us missing three captains, it makes it much harder to organize things. Not to mention, that we are weakened should an enemy try to attack."

"The lower seated officers and students in the academy are upset as well," Jushiro Ukitake muttered gravely. "Many of them do not know the full story and are confused. They want an explanation for why three respected captains would go and betray Soul Society"

"We're really not that popular at the moment" his pink jacket wearing friend Shunsui Kyoraku added on as he took a sip of sake.

Yamamoto took a moment to think. "Telling them the truth about Aizen, Gin, and Tosen would only bring more panic. Therefore we shall go with our standard plan in these sort of situations"

Sajin Komamura scratched his furry head. "You mean blame it all on our lieutenants?"

"Exactly"

The captains looked at one another and quickly nodded in agreement.

"With that taken care of, we will now turn to the other issue at hand. The 3rd, 5th, and 9th divisions are without leadership. We must see appointing new captains to look after these areas immediately. I now open the floor should have someone they would like to recommend. Yes, Soifon?"

The special forces leader put down her hand. "I nominate Youruichi Shihouin"

Everyone patiently waited for Soifon to continue but no more words followed.

Hitsugaya looked at her. "Mind elaborating?"

Soifon gave the younger captain a look. "Why should I? Yourichi-sama is one of the greatest warriors to ever exist in soul society. Her speed, strength, and intelligence are second to none. There is no reason why she shouldn't become a captain. In fact, I demand that you make her a captain immediately!"

"But didn't she abandon her position in Soul Society before?" Retsu Unohana asked.

Those words were regretted a few seconds later.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!! Yourichi-sama is perfection incarnate, a beautiful and sexy goddess among us mere mortals. Even as a kitty, her cuteness is unsurpassed. I will not have you dishonor her like that!"

Zanpakuto in hand, Soifon lunges forward at the frighten medic as the rest of the captains leaped forward trying to hold her in place.

"Soifon! Restrain yourself or else you will be sent back to your anger management classes!"

Soifon glared at the first division captain but slowly put it away and replaced it with a cat plushy instead. "Fine"

The very loud sound of coughing broke up the situation as everyone turned to look at Jushiro.

"What about one of the third seats from my division? Either Kiyone Kotetsu or Sentaro Kotsubaki?"

Kyoraku lifted his hat a bit showing a look of surprise. "One of them? Which one of them do you think would be better?"

"It doesn't matter. Just as long as I don't have to listen to any of their whiny arguments any more"

"All of these suggestions are rubbish" Mayuri said having been quiet until now. "There is only one person capable enough of taking a captain seat and that is myself."

"…."

"…."

"If clown face gets another division, I want an extra one too" Zaraki ordered.

"You brainless dolt! I was referring to the fact that I can easily make a glorious clone of myself to run the other division"

"Two of you clown faces? Hell no!"

"We're not permitting clones!"

"Yes it is quite unethical"

"This is more proof of why Youruichi would be the best"

As another argument started up, Yamamoto's staff began to bang on the floor once again.

"Enough! Since none of you can come to a conscience, we have no choice…but to hold general auditions"

A collective groan sounded out from the room.

-------

Inside one of the many buildings in the first division headquarters, a large room was empty except for a horizontal long table was set out. The ten captains were seated behind the table, ready to take notes on the various applicants. They didn't have to wait long as a familiar red-haired, tattooed shinigami came bursting in.

"Renji Abarai, lieutenant of the 6th division reporting as your next captain" he announced confidently.

Silence followed as everyone just stared at him.

"Why do you feel you should be made a captain Renji?"

Renji smirked and with his thumb pointed at his chest. "Because," he said pausing briefly for dramatic effect, "I have mastered Bankai!"

Another round of silent stares.

"You did?"

Renji looked annoyed. "Of course I did. Tell them captain"

All the other captains turned and looked at Byakuya.

"Oh yes. Your little snake thing"

"Snake? It's not a snake, it's a…"

"Thank you Renji" Byakuya quickly interrupted.

"But don't you all want to see my bankai?"

"I said… Thank You Renji"

-------

"And who might you be?"

The figure pushed back his glasses a slight bit before looking over the captains. "Uryu Ishida. Last of the Quincy"

Forming his bow on his hand, Uryu fired off several rapid shots up into the ceiling.

"I believe my skill and abilities speak for themselves"

"Pathetic"

The Quincy turned with hatred glaring straight at the 12th division captain.

"I've studied you Quincy long enough so your little tricks are not interesting," Mayuri said yawning a bit before waving his hand at him. "You can leave now. Go. Shoo"

One second later Mayuri gasped as Uryu appeared right in front of him and fired an arrow into him at point blank range. The captain slammed into the ground where he immediately morphed into a pile of goo and started slithering away.

"Hahahaha," Kenpachi laughed at the sight. "Not bad kid. Wanna fight?"

"No"

Yamamoto cleared his throat getting Ishida's attention once more.

"I do not believe we need a Quincy at this point in time"

"Fine," the Quincy said turning to leave.

"However, I am quite impressed with your outfit"

The young man immediately turned back and looked over his outfit. It looked the regular outfit of a shinigami except that it was white instead of black and featured the Quincy cross symbol all over it.

"Naturally. I made it myself. I shall leave a catalogue of my work in case any of you would like to order some of my wonderful designs"

-------

Chad stared at the table of Shinigami in front of him.

The captains stared back.

Seconds clicked on a nearby clock.

Chad continued to stare.

The Shinigami looked back.

Crickets sounded from a nearby window.

Soifon played with her cat plushy.

Jushiro coughed loudly while Kyoraku sipped some more sake.

The large Mexican finally opened his mouth to speak. "……so?"

"We will take your request for captaincy into consideration," Yamamoto announced. "You will be contacted when a decision is reached"

Chad nodded and headed back out of the area. As soon as he was gone, the shinigami began to speak amongst themselves.

"Well, that was pretty good"

"Who would have thought that he would give such a passionate speech?"

"It was too long. He just kept yapping and yapping"

"But, the words came from his heart"

Yamamoto nodded his head. "Indeed. We shall mark him down for potential callbacks"

-------

"What I have is a proposal" Rangiku Matsumoto smiled brightly at her captain and other fellow peers. "Something that will raise Soul Society to new heights and make it even greater then it ever was before. My idea is pure genius!"

"This ought to be good" Hitsugaya said sarcastically.

Ignoring the remark, Matsumoto continued on. "What I purpose is that we have an all female division of Soul Society. A place where our lady shinigami can come together and have their needs truly represented. And who better then to lead then me? Solidarity. You support me, right girlfriends?"

Unohana formed a nervous smile not wanting to respond and Soifon let out a growl.

"Never call me girlfriend again"

"I've even found the perfect person to be my lieutenant. Come in here Inoue"

Orihime Inoue stepped into the room dressed in regular shinigami robes. Stopping besides Matsumoto, she quickly saluted the group.

"Yes, I would be honored to serve as captain Matsumoto's lieutenant. There's just so much fun we can have together. Slumber parties"

"Gossiping about boys"

"Eating yummy red bean paste dishes"

"Getting drunk all day long"

"Piloting vehicles that transform together to form super giant butt kicking battle robots!"

"It'll be perfect!"

"Yeah"

The two girls began giggling and jumping up and down, causing the captains to stare at them. Or to be more precise, it caused the male captains to look at their chests.

"I would like to give my full support for this idea" Kyoraku quickly said.

Yamamato stroked his beard "Hmm…"

"Matsumoto!!!"

The yelling caused Rangiku to stop and gulp a bit, "Yes, captain?"

Toshiro stared at her looking completely furious. "There is no way that you are going to be a captain. Especially, when you have never done an ounce of paperwork your entire life."

"But captain."

"Get out of here!"

"What if I told you that Hinamori was interested in joining my division?"

"…NOW!!!"

Matsumoto turned and left bringing a disappointed Inoue along with her. Toshiro started to calm down a bit only for his lieutenant to stick her head back into the room.

"You know, your going to appreciate me when puberty finally hits captain"

The girl quickly retreated again just in time to avoid several pieces of ice slamming into her. Toshiro shook his head as put away his sword.

"At least, none of the other people can be worst then that"

-------

"Too ugly"

Anger flashed on Ganju's face before jumping on his boar and riding back out of the room.

"Next!"

-------

Kenpachi grimaced and shuddered a bit at the figure in front of him. "Too freakin pretty"

Yumichika let out a sigh and flicked back a piece of his beautifully groomed hair.

"Next!"

-------

"Two small" Soifon muttered as she kicked Kon and sent him flying back out the door.

"Even here I can't get respect!"

"Next!"

-------

Retsu Unohana's face was an apologetic one as she looked down at the figure before her. "I'm very sorry. You have demonstrated an impressive amount of power and skill. However you are just a little too young"

Ururu looked back and responded meekly. "Ah, I see. Alright"

Holding her broom in one hand and her large freaky missile launcher, the girl slowly made her way back out of the room.

"Next!"

-------

"Too emo" Toshiro said looking the next person over from head to toe. "Got enough of those here already" he added on, muttering underneath his breath.

A pair of creepy green eyes looked back at the captains.

"I think you should reconsider" Ulquiorra Schiffer stated, the arrancar's voice cold and serious. "My powers and abilities rival that of any of you in this room. Also, I am currently a high ranking Espada. Perhaps you need a more visual representation of my skills."

Ulquiorra started to reach for his left eye preparing to show his past achievements in 3-D but the young 10th captain started to wave him off.

"Just keep walking buddy"

The arrancar nodded and turned back. "If that is what you think is best. Thank you for considering my request…trash"

"Next!"

-------

"No anime filler characters!" Yamamoto declared.

"What!?"

Ririn stared back at him glaring angrily. The modsoul girl would have protested more had not Kurodo and Noba and each taken an arm and forcibly dragged her out of the room kicking and screaming.

"Next!"

-------

"Bwhahahahahaha! Spirits are always with you!"

Glass shattered and all the shinigami covered their ears trying to block to the horribly loud voice. Komamura went as far as sticking his large wooden helmet back on but to no avail. The group stared out with hatred at the freaking looking man with his arms crossed over the front of his body.

"Who is this guy?" Soifon asked

"Don Kanoji" Hitsugaya muttered looking at information on a piece of paper. "Apparently, he's some kind of TV actor in the human world"

"Then, how the hell did he get into Soul Society?"

Kenpachi growled and got up, pulling out his sword. "Dunno, but in a few seconds he's going to become a permanent resident"

The self proclaimed spirit medium continued laughing not even noticing what was happening. "Bwhahahahaha…Agggh!"

Fifteen minutes later after the blood had been cleared up and everyone had taken a coffee break…

"Next!"

-------

Kira Izuru looked out nervously at the gathered captains.

"Well, how was that?" he asked hopefully

Unohana was the first to speak smiling at him fondly. "It was a good job. You put a lot of heart and spirit into it Kira. I really liked it"

"Yo dude," his captain Komamura said giving him a thumbs up. "It was aight. I did feel some vibes coming from yeah, dawg"

The two shinigami looked over to the next person along the table. "Byakuya?"

"That was absolutely horribly dreadful" the man declared with no compassion.

Kira's face deflated. "…Oh"

"Next!"

-------

"I feel that as a Shinigami captain, I would be able to a good job. I would hard working and serve as a pillar of strength and responsibly for my subordinates as well as upholding the honorable and long standing traditions of Soul Society"

Everyone stared at the applicant not quite sure what to make of her. Kyoraku finally decided to ask her a question.

"Nemu, you really want to be a captain?"

The emotionless 12th division lieutenant nodded and replied with an equally emotionless voice. "Yes, that is correct"

"I see," Kyoraku replied taking a sip of sake from his bowl. "And did Captain Kurotsuchi order you to come here, telling you what you had to say?"

"Yes" She repeated before calling out. "How am I doing father?"

"Nemu, you worthless imbecile!" A voice yelled from outside.

Despite the harsh words, the girl continued to stand there.

"Err, you can go now Nemu"

"Next!"

-------

Everyone waited with a bit of dread for the next person to step in. When the door finally opened and the figure became visible, there was a slight bit of surprise.

"Gin Ichimaru!!!!" everyone screamed at once.

The traitorous third captain looked at them with silted eyes and his typically creepy grin. "Ah, sorry. I was actually looking for the vizard tryouts. They're not here. Bye"

And with that Gin disappeared again, before anyone could blink or whip out a zanpakuto to kill him with. Silence followed as the captains looked on in confusion trying to figure out what had just happened.

"…Umm next?"

-------

"Renji, let me make this very clear to you" Byakuya said looking down at his vice captain. "We don't like you"

"But captain"

"No. You are wasting your time here"

"Ah, come on." Renji was at the point where he looked ready to beg. "I know I can make a great captain. Just give me one chance to prove myself worthy"

A long silence followed and Byakuya finally sighed. "Very well"

"Yes!"

"Scatter Senbonzakura"

Renji's eyes widened at the familiar phrase and sight of cherry blossoms filling the room. "Oh, shit"

Another ten minutes after the blood had been cleaned up once again and a few people had went to the bathroom…

Jushiro went into another fit of coughing. "I'll probably end up regretting saying this but…next"

Nothing happened at first. However then everything began to rattle as a spiritual energy filled the room. One that was insanely large and very familiar. So, it was not much of a surprise when the door busted open and a certain orange haired shinigami with an oversized released Zanpakuto stomped in, more commonly referred to as Ichigo.

The captain of the first division allowed a rare smile finally seeing a candidate that would probably be able to do a good job and also seemed competent. He cleared his throat. "Shinigami representative Ichigo Kurosaki. I take it you are looking to attain the rank of captain now"

Ichigo formed one of his trademark scowls. "No. Why the hell would I want to join with you?"

The captains were taken back by this obviously confused. "Then why…"

"I only came because she dragged me here" he said looking back at the entrance.

Rukia calmly stepped into the room besides Ichigo. Byakuya frowned at seeing his younger sibling there but remained silent for now.

"Honorable captains," Rukia bowed formally to the groups. "Ichigo is here to serve as proof for why I should be given a captain's position. As you all know, Ichigo is a fine example of a shinigami being highly skilled and powerful. However, he was not always like that. Before then, he was actually weak, lazy, and pretty much an imbecile."

Ichigo yelled "Say what?"

"But thanks entirely to me; he was able to greatly improve. Not only did I provide him with the spiritual energy that got him started, but thanks to my amazing knowledge and skills, I was able to train him into the shinigami that he is today."

To illustrate her point Rukia held up an opened sketchbook showing pictures of her training Ichigo. Either that or a Chappy rabbit and a hollow kissing while dancing the Macarena. It all depends on your artistic interpretation.

"You should be demoted just for showing those" Ichigo remarked looking at the drawings.

- Wham -

Rukia quickly decked Ichigo with her sketchbook knocking him the ground. She stared at him as he suddenly began to clutch his head in pain.

"Damnit!"

"Come on, I didn't hit you that hard"

Ichigo began to sweat and struggled with his head still being clutched. "Not you…Him!"

"Hahahaha" A deep and insane sounding voice suddenly came out of the shinigami. When he rose back up, it was no longer Ichigo standing there but rather his Hollow version complete with bloodshot eye and a hollow mask covering half his face.

Hollow Ichigo looked at all the captains grinning like mad. "Forget about her. I'm the real source of Ichigo's power. If anyone should be made captain, it should be me. Me! Hahahahaha"

"I like him" Zakari said quite frankly "Let's give him a captain's spot"

"No!" Every remaining shinigami that was still sane objected.

Yamamoto sighed before pointing over to a nearby wall next to the entrance. Hollow Ichigo turned and seeing a sign there read the three simple words on it.

"NO HOLLOWS ALLOWED!"

"What?"

"No exceptions"

"But I'm the one with all the power. The king damn it. You hear me? I'M THE KING!"

Before another word could be uttered, Rukia grabbed a hold of Hollow Ichigo's robe collar and started pulling him out with her. "Come on your majesty"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to beat you senseless till Ichigo comes back out"

"Ha. I'd like to see you try toots"

"Don't you dare call me toots!"

"I'll call you whatever I want"

As the two left the area, their voices began to die down only to replace by Yamamoto's booming one.

"Enough!" he roared, a flaming aura forming around causing everyone else to back up a few feet. "This has gone on long enough and we still do not have any replacements. The next person who comes in here is being made a captain! End of discussion"

A few minutes passed and a weak looking skinny boy with black hair stepped into the room.

"Ah, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to check if there was any blood to clean up. I'll go now"

"Hanataro Yamada!"

The fourth division shinigami was brought to a halt with his name being yelled. Hanataro looked back nervously at the group.

"…eep"

"You are hereby named the new captain for the fifth division. You will start your new duties and training your men first thing tomorrow morning. Understand?"

"Me captain…running things…I umm…"

- Thud -

Hanataro body hit the floor, having fainted from the news.

"Oh dear" Unohana said concerned at her former subordinate. "He seems very overwhelmed"

Yamamoto just gave her a look as he headed off to his quarters not really caring anymore.

"We have had worst captains before"


End file.
